DeepSummary
In this episode, Dr. Becky Kennedy speaks with a mom named Dana who is struggling with her 4-year-old son's defiant behavior, such as ringing the doorbell repeatedly even after being asked not to. Dr. Becky explains that this behavior is often a child's attempt to feel powerful and gain empathy, rather than actual defiance. She emphasizes the importance of setting firm and loving boundaries, rather than just telling a child what not to do.
Dr. Becky suggests ways for Dana to set clearer boundaries, such as physically preventing her son from reaching the doorbell instead of just telling him not to ring it. She also recommends trying the 'Year in Charge' game, where the child gets to be in charge for a few minutes and give the parent silly instructions, helping the child feel powerful in a positive way.
Towards the end, Dr. Becky advises Dana on how to repair the relationship with her son and move forward in a more positive dynamic. She emphasizes validating the child's feelings, acknowledging that listening is hard, and committing to staying connected even when setting boundaries.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- When children act 'defiant' by disobeying instructions or saying hurtful things, it is often an attempt to feel powerful or gain empathy rather than purposeful defiance.
- Setting firm and loving boundaries is more effective than simply telling a child what not to do.
- Finding positive ways for children to feel powerful and in control, such as the 'Year in Charge' game, can increase cooperation.
- Validating a child's feelings and struggles, while still setting boundaries, is important for maintaining a healthy relationship.
- Repairing the relationship after conflicts by acknowledging both parties are learning can move the dynamic in a positive direction.
- Children's words often belie an underlying struggle to understand and express their emotions.
- Reflecting on your own perspective and approach as a parent is valuable for growth.
- Consistency in boundary-setting between co-parents is ideal, but compromises like role reversal can help find balance.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “So first of all, those words that your son says, I want to make you upset or I want to hurt you, right? First of all, these are words so many kids say.“ by Dr. Becky Kennedy
- “And so, number one, the year in charge game helps cooperation across the board. And I won't be surprised if he's like, can we play this tomorrow and tomorrow and play it, you know, because he's saying, I need to feel powerful and in control.“ by Dr. Becky Kennedy
- “Feelings are so confusing. And I think for kids especially, and this is all unconscious, they often kind of think, well, unless someone else feels the same way I feel, they won't, like, believe that my feeling is real.“ by Dr. Becky Kennedy
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Episode Information
Good Inside with Dr. Becky
Dr. Becky Kennedy
6/6/23
It's time to reframe defiance. When our kids don't listen to us or are being "defiant" by doing the complete opposite of what we've asked them to do, it's important to remember that they are still good kids. They are good kids who need firm and loving boundaries, connection, and to feel a little powerful on occasion. This week, Dr. Becky chats with a mom struggling with her son's "defiant" behavior and who's looking for a way to reconnect and repair with him.
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For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast
To listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategy