DeepSummary
In this episode, Emily Nagoski, a New York Times bestselling author and sex educator, discusses her upbringing in a dysfunctional family and how it shaped her interest in studying human sexuality. She explains how societal myths and misconceptions about sex often lead to sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction. Nagoski shares insights from her books, including the differences between spontaneous and responsive desire, the dual control model of sexual response, and the importance of prioritizing pleasure in long-term relationships.
Nagoski delves into the science behind desire and arousal, challenging the conventional narrative of losing the 'spark' in long-term relationships. She emphasizes the role of emotional connection, empathy, and authenticity in sustaining a satisfying sexual connection. Nagoski also discusses her personal struggles with maintaining intimacy with her husband during the writing process of her books and how she overcame them by following her own advice.
Throughout the conversation, Nagoski encourages listeners to embrace diversity in sexual experiences, challenge societal norms, and create authentic connections that prioritize mutual pleasure and emotional vulnerability. She offers practical strategies for navigating emotional states, cultivating desire, and fostering lasting intimacy in romantic relationships.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- Embrace diversity in sexual experiences and challenge societal myths about sexuality.
- Prioritize pleasure and emotional connection over the conventional narrative of losing the 'spark' in long-term relationships.
- Understand and navigate the different emotional states that influence sexual desire and intimacy using Nagoski's 'emotional floor plan' framework.
- Cultivate authenticity, vulnerability, and empathy in romantic relationships to foster lasting sexual connections.
- Recognize that sexual desire is not a drive, but rather an incentive motivation system influenced by various factors.
- Seek to create contexts that facilitate pleasure and arousal, rather than relying solely on external aids or tools.
- Address cultural and societal influences that hinder natural sexual functioning and promote unhealthy narratives.
- Engage in open communication and collaboration with partners to explore and create mutual pleasure.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “Couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term do not talk about spark. They talk about pleasure. They like the sex that is available in their relationships, and they collaborate actively to create pleasure to make it easier to experience pleasure together, to explore new pleasures together.“ by Emily Ngoski
- “So the floor plan is a metaphor to make Jacques Panksepp's research his framework accessible and usable so that you can have a conversation with other people about your internal state.“ by Emily Ngoski
- “It is the culture, in particular, that is making your brain function in a way that is not ideal for the way we want it to be.“ by Emily Ngoski
Entities
Person
Product
Book
Concept
Movie
Episode Information
Design Matters with Debbie Millman
Design Matters Media
4/29/24
New York Times bestselling, award-winning author and educator Emily Nagoski is one of the most exceptional minds at work today on the science of sexual connection, intimacy, and arousal. She joins to discuss her remarkable career and new book, “Come as You Are.”