DeepSummary
Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and author of 'Sex Talks', discusses the shame and lack of education surrounding sexuality, leading to unrealistic expectations from movies and TV. She explains the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, and how stress, lack of emotional connection, and lack of pleasure can contribute to low libido. Marin emphasizes the importance of communication, exploring what makes each partner feel open to sex, and keeping the passion alive in long-term relationships.
The conversation delves into common issues like initiating sex, feeling rejected, the pressure for simultaneous orgasms, and the impact of having children on intimacy. Marin provides practical tips, such as making out regularly, discussing desires openly, and managing expectations around trying new things. She also touches on her personal journey with sexuality and her decision not to have children.
Dax Shepard and Monica Padman engage in thought-provoking discussions around vulnerability versus neediness in relationships, the societal dynamics influencing attraction and 'leagues', and Shepard's experiences with open relationships. Throughout, Marin offers a compassionate, pragmatic approach to improving communication and fostering fulfilling sex lives.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- Societal stigma and lack of education around sexuality leads to unrealistic expectations and shame.
- Understanding the differences between spontaneous and responsive desire can improve sexual communication and satisfaction.
- Stress, lack of emotional connection, lack of pleasure, and pain can contribute to low libido.
- Open communication about desires, boundaries, and exploration is key to fostering intimacy and passion in relationships.
- Managing expectations around trying new things and being patient with each other is important.
- Vulnerability is attractive when it comes from a place of sharing experiences, not neediness or seeking validation.
- The impact of having children on relationships and intimacy should not be underestimated.
- Critically examining societal pressures around attraction, status, and body optimization is valuable.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “Libido is not the problem that most of us think it is. So it's a lack of emotional connection, it's a lack of pleasure, and it's also sexual pain.“ by Vanessa Marin
- “If you really create the space and the energy behind this is important, you can tell if your partner's like, okay, let me give you your 10 seconds of perfunctory back rub. Are you turned on yet? Are you turned on yet? So you really have to be willing. I just want to have some skin to skin connection with you. I just want to be in the moment with you.“ by Vanessa Marin
- “I mean, it is capitalism, and I'm not even one to normally go there, but it is selling your health to you, and what I don't like about it is there's a false promise that there's perfection, which is not true.“ by Monica Padman
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Episode Information
Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard
Armchair Umbrella
1/18/24
Vanessa Marin (Pillow Talks, Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life) is a sex therapist and podcaster. Vanessa joins the Armchair Expert to discuss her experience getting the “the talk” from her parents, why there is often so much shame around sexuality, and how much stress kills libido. Vanessa and Dax discuss how vulnerability and neediness differ, how sex is often more focused on male pleasure, and responsive vs spontaneous desire. Vanessa talks about the psychology involved when initiating sex, the importance of understanding that emotional and physical intimacy go hand-in-hand, and when to best talk...