DeepSummary
The podcast opens with a woman in her 30s expressing her struggles with feelings of not being enough and belief that she is unlovable. She describes her pattern of getting into dating relationships where she heavily invests emotionally, only for the men to eventually move on and choose other partners, leaving her feeling like a placeholder. She recounts a recent friendship with a man she met on a dating app, where they grew close but he ultimately revisited a previous relationship rather than pursue her romantically, which was very hurtful.
In response, Esther Perel digs deeper into the woman's background, learning that her mother told her growing up that she wished she never had her and didn't love her. Perel recognizes that the woman's dating experiences have become reenactments of that core rejection from her mother, constantly seeking validation she was denied in childhood. However, Perel challenges the woman to disentangle her self-worth from her mother's voice and patterns of thinking she has internalized.
Perel advises the woman to shift her mindset around dating by bringing new romantic interests into her existing social circles and activities she enjoys, rather than high-pressure one-on-one dates that trigger fears of rejection. Ultimately, Perel encourages the woman to have an internal dialogue rejecting the notion that she is unlovable, and to embrace her strength in achieving what she has despite her difficult upbringing.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- Patterns of rejection and feelings of unworthiness can become deeply ingrained from childhood experiences and parental messages.
- Self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors in dating often stem from a core fear of being unlovable that is a reenactment of earlier rejections.
- It's important to have an internal dialogue challenging and separating your self-worth from voices diminishing your value.
- Shift the framing of dating from high-pressure situations to more casual group settings doing activities you enjoy.
- You cannot change difficult experiences from your past, but you can choose how much you let them define your present and future sense of self.
- Feelings of accomplishment can help counteract internalized negative narratives, but emotional support systems are still crucial.
- With self-work, you can embrace the strengths that helped you persevere despite emotional neglect or abuse in your upbringing.
- Having an compassionate other perspective can provide objectivity in seeing unhealthy patterns and self-limiting beliefs.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “And they all became confirmation of what your mom said.“ by Esther Perel
- “You're shaking your head.“ by Esther Perel
- “I don't want to continue to put myself through that pain.“ by You
- “I fought really hard to get to where I am today, and I do have supports that have helped me. I often like to tell myself that I did it alone, but as I'm reflecting, I don't think that's entirely true.“ by You
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Episode Information
Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
Esther Perel Global Media
1/8/24