DeepSummary
The caller is the youngest of three siblings and has been providing significant emotional support to their parents who have faced numerous health crises in recent years. This has felt like a heavy burden, and the caller feels lonely and resentful that their siblings seem to 'check out' and not contribute as much. There is added complexity as the caller is gay, which has caused tension with their very Catholic sister who doesn't want the caller's partner around her children.
The therapist, Esther Perel, explores the family dynamics at play, including the pivotal role the mother has played and the different expectations placed on the caller versus the siblings. Esther encourages the caller to focus on their own needs rather than comparing themselves to siblings, and to express to their mother the desire to feel truly seen and have her 'have their back'.
Towards the end, Esther advises the caller to write to their mother, building on a thank-you card the mother had previously sent, to articulate just how important that recognition and having the mother's understanding means. The caller seems to resonate with this idea of claiming that need from their mother during this precarious time.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- Feeling alienated or unsupported by one's family of origin during times of crisis can breed resentment.
- Comparing oneself to siblings and their roles/responsibilities within the family is often unhelpful and can distract from addressing one's core needs.
- Openly communicating one's need to feel truly heard, seen and supported by parents or pivotal family figures is important, even if it feels risky.
- Family cultures around expressing anger or emotional needs can unconsciously recreate dysfunctional patterns across generations if not addressed.
- Sometimes prioritizing emotional intimacy and connection with a parent takes precedence over other frustrations or grievances within the larger family system.
- A therapist can provide an outside perspective to unpack dynamics contributing to resentment and identify unmet needs masked by that resentment.
- Expressing gratitude to parents for moments of true recognition can open the door to more honest sharing about deeper emotional needs.
- Finding support outside the immediate family can provide sustenance when familial needs go chronically unmet.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “And your sense is that your sister gets away with stuff.“ by Esther Perel
- “She wants you to be the one to harmonize?“ by Esther Perel
- “I sometimes think that you think I can be too sensitive or that my emotions are too disruptive or destabilizing, but all I really need is for you to say, I hear you and I see you, and that would be enough.“ by Caller
- “And it may demand guts from you to say to her, you know, we are on treacherous ground, and I'll be there for you. And it would mean the world to me if I could feel from you that, you see, if you would have my back.“ by Esther Perel
- “I adore my mom.“ by Caller
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Episode Information
Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
Esther Perel Global Media
5/20/24