DeepSummary
Dan Harris interviews Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned relationship researchers who have studied over 3,000 couples. They discuss their new book 'Fight Right' and share insights on healthy and unhealthy conflict styles, understanding the underlying reasons for fights, and techniques for navigating conflicts constructively.
The Gottmans highlight the importance of the first three minutes of a conflict, emphasizing using 'soft start-up' by expressing feelings and needs rather than criticism. They explain why there's no such thing as constructive criticism, the need to take breaks when 'flooded,' and provide methods like the 'dream within conflict' to get to the core issues fueling disagreements.
Other key points include the distinction between perpetual (personality difference based) and solvable problems, the benefits of note-taking during conflicts, repairing interactions through emotional validation, and recognizing signs that a relationship may be ending due to abuse or inability to compromise on core values.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- Use a 'soft start-up' by expressing your feelings and needs rather than criticizing when bringing up an issue.
- Recognize the difference between perpetual problems rooted in personality differences vs. solvable situational problems.
- Take a break and self-soothe when 'flooded' or physiologically dysregulated during conflict.
- Use the 'dream within conflict' technique to uncover the core values, desires and histories underlying disagreements.
- Validate your partner's perspective and take notes to avoid defensiveness and stay present.
- Repair conflicts by focusing on emotions and needs rather than intellectual reasoning.
- Some issues like abuse, addictions or incompatible core values may be signs a relationship is unsalvageable.
- Conflicts processed well can increase intimacy; unprocessed regrettable incidents breed resentment.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “The first three minutes of a conflict discussion determine how it's going to go 96% of the time and also predict the future of the relationship. Those first three minutes are really critical.“ by John Gottman
- “Repair works only when you're talking about yourself and what you need and your feelings. All the other intellectual repairs are bound to fail.“ by John Gottman
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Episode Information
Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris
Ten Percent Happier
2/12/24
Conflict doesn’t have to suck. These iconic relationship researchers tell us how.
Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection is the name of a new book by esteemed guests Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman.
They are the co-Founders of The Gottman Institute and have completed over 40 years of research with more than 3,000 couples. John is the researcher; Julie the clinician. They have written several books together, including Eight Dates and The Love Prescription.
Even though the majority of the Gottmans’ research is on couples, the advice is applicable to all types of relationships.
In this episode we talk about:
- The three principle conflict styles
- Why we often don’t understand what it is we’re fighting about
- Perpetual problems vs. Solvable problems
- Why the first three minutes of an argument are key
- The simple sentence to use at the beginning of an argument
- How to downregulate defensiveness in an argument
- Why the Gottmans’ believe there is no such thing as constructive criticism
- Why apologizing quickly isn’t always the right move
- When a fight might spell the end
Related Episodes:
- Dan Savage on how to handle disappointment in your relationships, how to get better at sex, and why “a couple” is an Illusion
- Lori Brotto on mindful sex
- Devon and Craig Hase on how not to be a hot mess
- Myisha Battle on love, sex, dating, and relationship myths
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