DeepSummary
In this episode, the host Sabrina Zohar welcomes Dr. Stan Tatkin, who created the PACT theory and is an author. They discuss attachment styles in dating and how to navigate early dating securely. Dr. Tatkin explains the differences between anxious, avoidant (islands), and secure (anchors) attachment styles, and how these styles stem from early childhood experiences and relationships with caregivers.
Dr. Tatkin emphasizes that attachment styles are not fixed personality traits, but adaptations to one's social-emotional environment. He stresses the importance of recognizing that all human beings are inherently difficult and that a healthy relationship requires both partners to actively work towards mutual sensitivity, fairness, and protection.
The conversation covers various topics, including the misconceptions surrounding attachment styles, the role of entitlement in dating, and the need for clear communication and effort from both partners to create a secure, interdependent relationship. Dr. Tatkin provides practical advice and brain hacks to help listeners navigate the dating world more securely.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- Attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, secure) are adaptations to one's early social-emotional environment and relationships with caregivers, not fixed personality traits.
- Building a healthy, secure relationship requires effort from both partners to be mutually sensitive, fair, and protective towards each other.
- Clear communication and sharing experiences/perspectives immediately is crucial for a secure relationship, as memory can be unreliable and lead to conflicts.
- Approaching dating with a mindset of observation and genuine interest in the other person, rather than being self-focused on anxieties, can help navigate early dating more securely.
- Adopting a "secure functioning" mindset, where both partners consistently strive to do the right and best thing for the relationship, even when difficult, is key to building a healthy, interdependent relationship.
- Categorizing attachment styles or personality types can be reductive; the focus should be on cultivating a relationship dynamic of mutual understanding, effort, and care.
- Letting go of entitlement and taking accountability for one's role in the relationship dynamic is crucial for growth and security within the relationship.
- Viewing the relationship as a "survival team" or partnership, rather than a one-sided dynamic, can foster the necessary mutual investment and effort required for long-term success.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “If you're doing dating correctly, it should not be ever a waste of your time because you're honing your people skills of observation. Yes. In wired for dating, we called it sherlocking, that you go on a date and you are becoming much more fine tuned in, picking up slightest cues. You're watching the other person, you're observing them, you're not sizing them up to make them look like they're being sized up, but you're interested.“ by Dr. Stan Tatkin
- “If you want to be in a relationship, that assumes that you're being pro social, but if you want to be in a relationship and all you care about is your panic and that you know that there's a fire cell, that's not pro social, that's pro self, that's doing exactly what we talked about. Why would anybody care to be with you, you're showing signs that you couldn't care less about who you're with.“ by Dr. Stan Tatkin
- “So we're talking about secure functioning, which is all I sell. We're talking about two people coming up always with what is the best or right thing we could do in the future with this particular system or this particular matter, even though it will be the hardest thing to do.“ by Dr. Stan Tatkin
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Episode Information
Do The Work
Do The Work
11/3/23
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