DeepSummary
In this episode, social psychologist Tessa West discusses her research on uncomfortable social interactions and how people tend to mask their anxiety with overly polite, generic feedback, which can be more harmful than helpful. She explains that when feeling anxious, people often become overly nice, avoiding direct criticism or constructive feedback, and instead provide vague compliments or positive reinforcement.
West highlights findings from her studies where participants engaged in negotiations or interactions requiring honest feedback. She found that people tend to give excessive compliments, even to opponents they had just defeated, as a way to regulate their anxiety. This practice of 'anxious niceness' can negatively impact performance, hinder growth, and damage reputations when taken to an extreme.
To address this issue, West offers three suggestions: assess whether people genuinely prefer direct feedback, frame feedback along dimensions like general versus specific or areas for improvement, and start with neutral, non-threatening feedback before moving to more critical areas. She advocates for balancing honest critique with niceness in delivery by acknowledging positives and aligning with the recipient's goals.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- People often mask anxiety in uncomfortable social situations by being overly nice and giving vague, complimentary feedback instead of direct criticism.
- Excessive 'anxious niceness' can undermine growth, hinder performance improvement, and damage professional reputations.
- Assess whether people truly prefer direct over 'nice' feedback before changing your approach.
- Frame feedback along dimensions like general vs. specific, strengths vs. areas for improvement.
- Start with neutral feedback on non-threatening areas before giving more critical input.
- Balance honest critique with positive reinforcement and aligning with the recipient's goals.
- Our physiological stress responses can become attuned to overly nice interaction partners over time.
- Changing cultures of anxious niceness requires taking small steps to build comfort with direct yet supportive feedback.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “So why is it the case that when we are feeling the most anxious, uncomfortable, socially awkward versions of ourselves, when our hearts are pounding and our palms are sweating and we feel like crawling out of our skin, are we also the most nice and often generic to the people around us?“ by Tessa West
- “I think it means that we often think of our own stress and our own physiology as independent of the people we interact with. But our bodies are not always our own. Our physiology is not always our own.“ by Tessa West
- “So I want to wish you all luck on your journey of trying to change culture feedback, killing anxious niceness, and hopefully have some concrete steps to help you move forward.“ by Tessa West
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Episode Information
TED Talks Daily
TED
5/28/24
Are you "too nice" at work? Social psychologist Tessa West shares her research on how people attempt to mask anxiety with overly polite feedback — a practice that's more harmful than helpful — and gives three tips to swap generic, unhelpful observations with clear, consistent feedback, even when you feel awkward.