DeepSummary
In this episode of the Being Well podcast, hosts Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson explore the concept of self-abandonment, which occurs when people neglect their own authentic wants, emotions, and boundaries in order to serve others, meet external expectations, or protect themselves emotionally. They discuss the common features of self-abandonment, such as neglecting one's needs in favor of others, seeking validation from others, and having issues with low self-worth and authentic self-expression.
The discussion delves into the roots of self-abandonment, often stemming from early relationships and experiences where safety felt more critical than authenticity. They offer insights into how to approach these issues as a clinician, including providing empathy, developing an internal caring committee, and joining with the defense to address the underlying security concerns.
The conversation also explores how self-abandonment patterns can manifest in relationships, with people often repeating the same problematic dynamics from their past. Strategies are suggested for changing these scripts, such as cognitive restructuring and developing new beliefs that prioritize self-care while still maintaining connections with others.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- Self-abandonment involves neglecting one's authentic wants, emotions, and boundaries in order to serve others or meet external expectations, often stemming from early experiences where safety felt more critical than authenticity.
- Common features of self-abandonment include neglecting self-care, seeking validation from others, low self-worth, and difficulties with authentic self-expression and boundary-setting.
- Empathy, developing an internal caring committee, and joining with the defense (validating the underlying security need) can help address self-abandonment.
- Moving from shame to grief, embracing healthy anger, and cognitive restructuring can also be effective strategies.
- Self-abandonment patterns often manifest in relationships, repeating problematic dynamics from the past, requiring changing relational scripts and developing new self-nurturing beliefs.
- A balance can be struck between caring for oneself and maintaining connections with others, prioritizing one's needs while still considering others'.
- Reconnecting with one's sense of inherent worth and developing self-referencing rather than solely other-referencing can foster a stronger, more authentic sense of self.
- Therapy can provide a secure space to practice authenticity and self-expression, gradually building confidence to enact these behaviors in the world.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “So let's say now you're a person and you're in a relationship, and you're in the frame of trying to make the relationship work better. Okay? And let's say you're the person who is feeling kind of abandoned yourself. They are abandoning you, or you feel deep down inside. I know I should stand up for. For myself. I know that I should say more what I need, but I'm really scared.“ by Rick Hansen
- “And there's a really important distinction between shame and grief. Rather than feeling ashamed that you have let yourself down or reenacted the abuse that was done to you by doing it to yourself. Okay? Feel a little shame, but move through the shame, which tends to be toxic in quantity, and move into the grief, the sadness, the sorrow, the lost opportunities. Feel that and let it flow. Much less toxic than shame.“ by Rick Hansen
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Episode Information
Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson
Rick Hanson, Ph.D., Forrest Hanson
3/11/24