DeepSummary
In this podcast episode, clinical psychologist and psychosexologist Dr. Karen Gurney discusses the widespread misunderstandings surrounding desire and intimacy in long-term relationships. She explains how spontaneous desire declines over time, and that responsive desire, triggered by physical intimacy and novelty, is more sustainable. Gurney emphasizes the importance of maintaining 'sexual currency' and open communication to keep desire alive.
Gurney debunks common myths about sex, such as the idea that vaginal penetration is the main event, when research shows it's women's least favorite act. She also explains that the '3 times a week' benchmark for sexual frequency is inaccurate - the average is closer to 3 times per month. For parents, lack of sleep, mental load, and changed body images can severely impact sexual satisfaction.
The episode covers initiating sex, managing differing fantasies between partners, erectile issues, the impact of technology and distraction, non-monogamy, and menopause. Ultimately, Gurney stresses that great sex requires effort, novelty, open communication, and adjusting expectations - there is no 'normal', only what works for each couple.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- Spontaneous sexual desire tends to decline over time in long-term monogamous relationships, but responsive desire triggered by intimacy can be cultivated.
- Societal myths like the '3 times a week' frequency benchmark and prioritizing vaginal penetration as the main event are inaccurate and problematic.
- Open communication about sexual needs, desires, and boundaries is critical for sustained sexual satisfaction.
- Maintaining 'sexual currency' through flirtation, physical touch, novelty etc. helps keep desire alive.
- Sexual confidence and satisfaction are aided by adjusting expectations and not pressuring oneself or partner.
- Major life changes like parenthood, aging, and menopause require adapting one's approach to sex.
- Consensual non-monogamy can be a valid alternative relationship structure for sustaining desire.
- There is no universal 'normal' when it comes to sex - only what works for each couple.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “We know that penis and vagina sex is women's least favorite sexual act. But that's how we see how sex should be. So we see less pleasure and less reward for women.“ by Karen Gurney
- “Responsive desire is desire that emerges out of us beginning sexual activity or having what we call sexual stimuli in front of us. A passionate kiss, flirtation, being naked together, a text that suggests something that we might do later on.“ by Karen Gurney
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Episode Information
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
DOAC
2/19/24
Everyone has the desire to be desired, finally, in this episode, the mystery of desire is stripped back.
Dr Karen Gurney is a Clinical Psychologist, Psychosexologist and Couples Therapist, she has been helping couples tackle sex problems for over 20 years. She is the author of the bestselling book, ‘Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to future proof your sex life’.
In this conversation Karen and Steven discuss topics, such as the reasons for a dead sex life, why women prefer non-penetrative sex, how technology is killing your sex life, and why you should invest in your sexual currency.
Topics:
0:00 Intro
02:07 What Do You Do and Why Do You Do It?
03:56 Our Attention Is Being Hijacked Which Is Affecting Our Sex Lives
09:57 Why Does Sex Get Harder the More We Think About It
11:50 Why Expectations and Pressure Make Sex Worse
15:56 Our Society Has Created a "Sexual Script" That's Wrong
17:10 How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner
23:09 How to Tell Your Partner You're Not Attracted to Them Anymore
25:56 How to Not Let Kids Ruin Your Sex Life
27:25 The Demographic That Comes to You More Than Any Other
28:16 Why Desire Goes in a Relationship
34:13 How to Trigger Desire in Your Relationship
38:34 The "Initiation" Problem
40:21 Should We Schedule Sex?
43:05 What Should We Be Doing to Keep Desire High in Our Relationships
45:55 How to Talk About Your Fetish with Your Partner
50:54 What Women Really Want During Sex
52:45 Does It Matter Who Initiates Sex?
56:04 If Our Idea of What We Want From Sex Isn't Happening What Should We Do?
58:31 If Men Can't Get It Up, What Should We Do?
01:00:56 If Men Can't Get It Up, What Should We Do?
01:01:15 Should We Have Sex Before or After We Eat?
01:02:22 The Optimal Amount of Times to Have Sex
01:04:16 Sexual Dissatisfaction Between Men and Women
01:07:54 How to Deal with a Sex Life as a Parent
01:11:54 What You Can Do as a Parent to Ensure Your Sex Life Doesn't Go Off Track
01:13:26 The Relationship Between Poor Sleep and Sex
01:16:39 At What Point Should People Reach Out to You?
01:17:21 Have You Ever Seen Relationships That Are Unrecoverable?
01:18:45 The Top 3 Most Common Sexual Problems
01:20:46 The Impact of Pets on Our Sex Lives
01:22:43 Are You Hopeful for the Future of Sex?
01:24:04 How Menopause Affects Our Sex Lives
01:25:21 Our Bodies Changing Over Time and How That Impacts Our Sex Lives
01:26:27 Are We Meant to Be Monogamous?
01:31:51 The Last Guest’s Question
You can pre-order Karen’s book, ‘How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life’, here: https://amzn.to/49VnduP
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My new book! 'The 33 Laws Of Business & Life' is out now - https://smarturl.it/DOACbook
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