DeepSummary
The episode discusses the concept of 'trauma bonding,' which is different from bonding over shared trauma. Trauma bonding refers to an unhealthy attachment formed when a person experiences abuse from another person and tries to defend or excuse the abuser's actions. The host explains the seven stages of trauma bonding and how it develops, often stemming from an insecure attachment style formed in childhood.
The host provides advice on identifying trauma bonding in a relationship, such as when the victim defends the abuser, isolates themselves, and believes their situation is unique. Breaking the trauma bond is difficult due to the positive reinforcement the abuser provides after abuse, but the host offers suggestions like being honest with oneself, seeking support, and realizing the victim is not responsible for the abuser.
The episode also touches on bonding over shared trauma, which can be cathartic if it promotes healing, but can become unhealthy if it causes regression. The host advises seeking balance and not relying solely on that bond. Additionally, the host addresses how friends can provide a safe space for someone in an abusive relationship without enabling or lecturing.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- Trauma bonding is an unhealthy attachment that forms when an abused person defends and excuses the abuser's actions.
- Trauma bonding follows a cycle of abuse, positive reinforcement, and manipulation to gain the victim's trust.
- Breaking a trauma bond is difficult due to the victim's loyalty, self-doubt, and the abuser's alternating abuse and positive reinforcement.
- Being honest, seeking therapy, developing independence, and realizing one is not responsible for the abuser can help break a trauma bond.
- Friends should provide a non-judgmental safe space to listen, not lecture or enable, when supporting someone in an abusive relationship.
- Bonding over shared trauma can be healing if balanced, but relying solely on that bond can lead to regression.
- The victim's self-confidence is eroded in an abusive relationship, making it harder to leave, so rebuilding it is crucial.
- Understanding the patterns and manipulations of abuse can empower a victim to make the difficult decision to leave.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “When you have someone who will listen to you, then it's a lot easier for you to do your own. Like, it's almost like self therapy.“ by Alexis Fernandez
- “You've got to be patient with this person. You've got to be like, you know, we've got, you've got all this, all this support. You've got these people, we're all here for you. We're here whenever you're ready to leave the relationship, we'll welcome you with open arms.“ by Alexis Fernandez
- “Trauma bonding is when a person experiencing abuse at the hands of another person develops an unhealthy attachment to that abuser.“ by Alexis Fernandez
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Episode Information
Do You F*cking Mind?
LiSTNR
4/14/24
What exactly is Trauma bonding? What if I told you that bonding with someone else over a traumatic event isn’t actually trauma bonding – it’s something else entirely! It’s about a relationship with someone who is traumatising and abusing you.
I’m going to take you through what a trauma bond is, how to spot it, the 7 stages of trauma bonding, and how to know when (and how) to get out of a trauma bonded relationship.
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CREDITS
Host: Alexis Fernandez
Executive Producer & Editor: Elise Cooper
Digital Producer: Zoe Panaretos
DYFM Social Producer: Shania Magua
Managing Producer: Sam Cavanagh
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