DeepSummary
In this episode, Stacey Rutherford, the mother of Tyler who was sexually abused by her former husband Justin, opens up about her own grief and emotions surrounding the aftermath of Justin's actions. She meets with licensed psychologist Jordan Dan to explore the complexity of her feelings, oscillating between the reality of Justin's violent behavior and the loving relationship she thought they had. Stacey grapples with the idea that the person she loved may not have been real, and struggles with guilt and shame over not protecting her son.
Jordan helps Stacey understand that it's normal to hold both the good and bad memories, and that acknowledging the positive aspects of her relationship with Justin does not betray Tyler or diminish the trauma he experienced. She encourages Stacey to examine her own patterns of attachment and unworthiness stemming from her childhood relationship with her mother, in order to break the cycle and create a new reality for herself and her children.
As Stacey begins to confront her own grief and loss, she expresses a desire to trust people again and not feel ashamed of her memories or emotions. Jordan affirms that by integrating the complexity of her experience, Stacey can pass on a belief in the goodness of relationships to her children, rather than perpetuating the trauma she has experienced.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- It is normal and healthy to hold both positive and negative memories of an abusive relationship, as long as the complexities are acknowledged and integrated.
- Examining one's own patterns of attachment and unworthiness stemming from childhood can be a crucial step in breaking cycles of trauma.
- Expressing empathy and allowing space for survivors to process their complex emotions is an important part of the healing process.
- Predators often lack genuine empathy and manipulate others for their own selfish motivations, making true remorse or repair difficult.
- Maintaining faith in the goodness of relationships, despite experiencing betrayal, can be a powerful way to model healthy attachments for one's children.
- The healing journey is non-linear, with new challenges continually arising, but a commitment to navigating those challenges is essential for growth.
- Survivors of abuse often struggle with feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness that stem from the trauma they experienced.
- Working through one's own grief and loss is a critical step in the healing process, beyond simply ensuring the well-being of others impacted by the trauma.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “We're dealing with a person who does not have empathy, who does not have morality, and who is able to completely shape shift their behavior for their own selfish motivations and agenda.“ by Jordan Dan
- “I want to be able to trust people again. I want to be able to be in a relationship with someone and not think that there's stuff going on that I don't know about.“ by Stacey Rutherford
- “Her ability to actually hold that complexity is really crucial so that she actually passes on to her children faith and belief in the goodness of other people and is able to maintain a feeling of relationships are hard, and they're also good.“ by Jordan Dan
- “If I think of the good things, I feel like I'm a bad mom. That's a slap in the face to my child that he hurt. I think that's what hurts me the most, is knowing that I was the one that brought someone into their life that would do something like this to them.“ by Stacey Rutherford
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Episode Information
Betrayal
iHeartPodcasts and Glass Podcasts
6/27/24
With Justin behind bars and Tyler on a path to healing, Stacey’s grief finally comes to the surface. She meets with Jordan Dann to make sense of the mess.
Jordan Dann, LP, is a dynamic psychoanalyst, author, teacher, and speaker. She is the author of Somatic Therapy for Healing Trauma and the creator of the Relationship Transformation Method. She is also a faculty member at the Gestalt Associates for Psychotherapy in Manhattan. Jordan is a nationally certified and NYS licensed psychoanalyst in private practice in New York City. You can follow her on Instagram @jordandann.
If you would like to reach out to the Betrayal Team, email us at betrayalpod@gmail.com
If you’re a man who has experienced sexual abuse or assault, or you know someone who is seeking support, go to 1in6.org. Find a path to a happier, healthier future.
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