DeepSummary
In this episode, Dr. Mona Amin interviews Erika Djossa, a registered psychotherapist specializing in maternal mental health and the author of the new book "Releasing the Mother Load." They discuss the concept of the "default parent," which refers to the person who typically takes on the majority of parenting tasks and responsibilities in a household, often without explicit discussion or agreement. Djossa explains how this dynamic often arises from societal expectations and gender roles, with mothers frequently assuming the default parent role due to the belief that they are biologically better suited for caregiving.
Djossa shares her personal experience navigating postpartum depression and the realization that she was trying to embody the perfection of traditional motherhood while also working full-time. She emphasizes the importance of examining and challenging these societal beliefs about motherhood in order to create a more balanced and sustainable approach to parenting. Djossa and Dr. Amin discuss strategies for couples to communicate better and share the "mental load" of parenting tasks, such as using load maps to make invisible labor visible and having regular check-ins.
Throughout the conversation, Djossa encourages mothers to question how they ended up carrying certain tasks and to have open discussions with their partners about dividing responsibilities in a way that aligns with their values and goals. The episode provides practical tools and insights for couples to shift the default parent dynamic and create a more equitable partnership in parenting.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- The "default parent" is the person who typically takes on the majority of parenting tasks and responsibilities in a household, often without explicit discussion or agreement.
- Societal expectations and gender roles contribute to the default parent dynamic, with mothers frequently assuming this role due to the belief that they are biologically better suited for caregiving.
- Examining and challenging traditional beliefs about motherhood is crucial for creating a more balanced and sustainable approach to parenting.
- Open communication and regular check-ins between partners are essential for sharing the mental load of parenting tasks.
- Making invisible labor visible through tools like load maps can help couples have productive discussions about dividing responsibilities.
- It is important to question how certain tasks and responsibilities were assumed and to actively claim ownership over them based on personal values and goals.
- Shifting the default parent dynamic towards a more equitable partnership in parenting is a journey that requires time, effort, and the use of practical strategies and tools.
- Seeking support and resources, such as Djossa's book and platform, can provide valuable insights and guidance for couples navigating this process.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “Intensive mothering comes with a few core beliefs. One, that moms should be and are best suited biologically to be the primary caregiver of their child. That child raising and rearing should be all consuming. It should take all of our time, energy and resources in order for us to be good at it, that we should be wholly and entirely fulfilled, fulfilled by our role and not long for or desire anything outside of motherhood.“ by Erika Djossa
- “So for those willing partners, having these load maps to show them, hey, you got to just own this part. Like, our partners are capable. They go and they function at work. They hold jobs that have all this mental labor involved. Like, they're capable to do these things right.“ by Erika Djossa
- “And part of this book is the journey and the skills and the tools that we used, even in our relationship, to really shift that to a more equal partnership. And I would say we're there, if not tilted his way a little bit more than my way because of just the demands on our schedules and things.“ by Erika Djossa
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Episode Information
The PedsDocTalk Podcast
Dr. Mona Amin
4/10/24
The “Default parent” seems like modern parenting terminology, but it’s a real role. It can sometimes be associated with feelings of resentment and overwhelm if it’s not communicated. I welcome Erica Djossa, the CEO and founder of Momwell and the author of Releasing the Mother Load: How to Carry Less and Enjoy Motherhood More.
We discuss:
- What the default parent is, and how someone knows they’re the default parent
- Why, in heterosexual relationships, have mothers taken on this role?
- How couples can communicate better to share the mental load and roles
Connect with Erica on Instagram @momwell. Check out her new book!
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