DeepSummary
The episode features a conversation with Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned relationship experts, who discuss common mistakes people make in relationships, reasons why relationships fail, and techniques for improving communication and bonding with partners. They talk about the "four horsemen" of relationship failure - criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling - and how to process regrettable incidents.
The Gottmans provide practical advice on cooling down from conflicts by taking breaks and engaging in self-soothing activities before resuming conversations calmly. They emphasize the importance of turning towards bids for connection, giving compliments, expressing needs positively, and having regular "state of the union" meetings to address issues and appreciate each other.
The experts also introduce the concept of "rituals of connection" - pre-planned activities couples do together to foster intimacy, such as having a weekly date night or an annual honeymoon trip. Their new book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," offers a seven-day plan with daily exercises for building a stronger, more connected relationship.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- The "four horsemen" of relationship failure are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, which are highly predictive of whether a relationship will succeed or fail.
- Processing regrettable incidents by calmly discussing what transpired, feelings experienced, triggers, and commitments to change can help repair damage from major conflicts.
- Turning towards bids for connection - acknowledging and engaging with a partner's attempts to connect - is crucial for building emotional intimacy.
- Rituals of connection like regular date nights, weekend trips, or annual vacations provide valuable bonding time for couples.
- Giving compliments, expressing appreciation, listening to understand each other's inner worlds, and honoring dreams and goals strengthen emotional intimacy.
- State of the union meetings where partners exchange appreciations, discuss issues, and ask how to make each other feel more loved can improve relationships.
- Cooling down during heated arguments by taking breaks, doing self-soothing activities, and returning when calm fosters productive conflict resolution.
- Relationships require ongoing work, but incorporating research-based practices creates a foundation for lasting love, joy, and connection.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “So these are the great big predictors that can predict with over 90% accuracy six years down the road, where are you going to be? You're going to be together happily with your partner, unhappily, or will you already be separated and divorced?“ by John Gottman
- “Rituals of connection are activities that you do together with your partner that are pre designed, they're pre planned, and they're agreed upon.“ by John Gottman
- “So when we found couples, the 17 couples who divorced one another after six years, after the wedding, when we look back six years earlier, they had turned toward these bids only 33% of the time, whereas the couples who were still together six years earlier had turned toward the bids 86% of the time.“ by Julie Gottman
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Episode Information
Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal
Ali Abdaal
12/12/23
We tend to think that love and relationships occur naturally - you can't work on them or improve them because love is something outside of our control. But the truth is more scientific than that. It turns out that we can actually have a big impact on how our relationships work, and whether or not they fail. By being more considerate of our partners, and really investing in quality time together, we can build bonds that last a lifetime. In this bonus episode of Deep Dive, Drs John and Julie Gottman, world renowned relationship experts, talk you through some of the things you can do to make your relationship truly happy and fulfilling, and the red flags to look out for which could indicate future trouble. All of their advice is super actionable and I've found it very useful in my own relationship - enjoy!
📚Check out my New York Times Bestselling book Feel-Good Productivity!
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BONUS EPISODE
(00:00) Intro
(01:25) Common relationship mistakes
(08:30) Why relationships fail
(15:39) How to cool down from conflict
(20:30) Tips for strengthening your relationship
🔗 CONNECT WITH GUEST
📕 The Seven Day Love Prescription
📱 The Gottman Card Decks App
💻 Website
🐦 Twitter
📸 Instagram
🎥 YouTube Channel
🔗 CONNECT WITH ALI
📲 Join My Telegram Community
🎥 YouTube Channel
🐦 Twitter
📸 Instagram
💻 Website
👥 Linkedin
📚 RESOURCES MENTIONED
The Science Behind Why Relationships Last Or Fail - Drs John & Julie Gottman
How To Not Die Alone by Dr Logan Ury
8 Dates by Drs John and Julie Gottman
The Seven-Day Love Prescription by Drs John and Julie Gottman
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