DeepSummary
In this episode, Dan Harris interviews Charles Duhigg, author of the book 'Supercommunicators,' about the science of effective communication. They discuss the four rules for meaningful conversations, how to deploy vulnerability skillfully, techniques for asking deeper questions, and strategies like the 'Fast Friends' procedure for fostering connection. Charles explains that conversations often involve different layers like the practical, emotional, and social dimensions that need to be recognized and matched.
A key point is the importance of paying attention to cues about the type of conversation someone wants to have and then matching them at that level, whether practical problem-solving, emotional sharing, or discussing social dynamics. Charles provides examples of specific ways to transform shallow questions into deeper ones that reveal more about a person's values, beliefs and experiences.
The discussion covers how to develop the habits of a 'supercommunicator' who can consistently connect with others in an authentic way. Charles emphasizes giving yourself rewards when practicing the techniques, savoring small successes, and allowing the skills to become instinctive over time. He stresses the vital role of effective communication for individuals and society.
Key Episodes Takeaways
- There are four key rules for having a meaningful conversation: 1) Figure out the type of conversation (practical, emotional, social), 2) Ask how the other person feels and share your own feelings, 3) Clarify what each person wants from the interaction through subtle experiments, 4) Discuss how you each relate to the broader context or other people.
- Effective communicators can recognize different layers within a single conversation and match the other person at that level, whether it's practical problem-solving, emotional sharing, or social context.
- Asking 'deep' questions that invite people to share their values, experiences and beliefs is a powerful way to create connection and move past superficial interactions.
- Vulnerability, when deployed authentically and skillfully, helps build trust and closeness even between strangers or adversaries.
- Developing communication habits takes conscious practice at first, but can become instinctive over time by recognizing cues, matching the other person, and savoring small successes as rewards.
- Mastering the skills of a 'supercommunicator' has profound benefits for individuals' happiness, relationships, careers, and even society's ability to bridge divides through dialogue.
- Techniques like 'reflective listening' (restating what someone said), the 'Fast Friends' questions, and 'looping for understanding' in conflicts can significantly improve personal connections.
- Focusing only on trying to shout louder than others leads to combative non-communication, whereas trying to understand each other through skillful dialogue is vital for human thriving.
Top Episodes Quotes
- “Every habit in your life delivers a reward to you, whether you're aware of it or not.“ by Charles Duhigg
- “We are living through a period where not only have we forgotten how to communicate a little bit, and some of that is because of politics, and some of that is because of the Internet. But for some people, communication has become a negative thing. Right? They would rather be someone who knows how to shout louder than the other side, than someone who knows how to talk to the other side and understand what they're saying.“ by Charles Duhigg
- “Every marriage, every marriage succeeds or fails based not on whether the people like each other or they have anything in common. It's based on whether they can communicate with each other.“ by Charles Duhigg
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Episode Information
Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris
Ten Percent Happier
2/28/24
The four rules for a meaningful conversation, when to be vulnerable, and how to form the habits of becoming a supercommunicator.
Charles Duhigg is a Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist and author of the bestselling The Power of Habit and Smarter Faster Better. His new book is called Supercommunicators.
In this episode we talk about:
- How he defines super communicator
- The four rules for a meaningful conversation
- How and when to deploy vulnerability
- How to transform shallow questions in deep ones
- The fast friends procedure
- And how to form the habits of becoming a supercommunicator
Related Episodes:
- Dan Clurman and Mudita Nisker on communication
- Daniel Goleman on emotional intelligence and optimal performance
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